


words the heart can't say

by moeblobmegane



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (IT'S AN ACTUAL TAG), 5 Times, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Future Fic, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Multiple, POV Outsider, Pining, Slow Burn, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, brief mention of sports injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 03:04:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14535276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moeblobmegane/pseuds/moeblobmegane
Summary: 5 Times Someone saw Tsukishima Kei cry (+ 5 times they didn't);Or:Tsukishima Kei, King of Emotional Repression.





	words the heart can't say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BarnstormingGorilla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarnstormingGorilla/gifts).



> For tsubomoose!  
> The request was "TsukiHina, make Tsukki cry", which I obviously took to the nth level because as we've all agreed: I am So Extra oh my god someone needs to stop me.
> 
> Thank you Naya my soulmate for reading through this! luv u
> 
> Honey and Clover is mentioned prominently in one part but I don't think you need to know it to understand? lmk if it doesn't make sense.

 

(இ﹏இ`｡)

**✓ Two;**

Akiteru knows that Kei cried when he was born and that he has cried a few times since then, but at seven years old, Akiteru doesn’t remember ever seeing it happen. His baby brother is always calm and never fusses. He sleeps all the time; and when he wakes up, he tugs at people instead of crying. He throws his toys to get people’s attentions. He never, _ever_ has tantrums.

Maybe Kei is never sad, or maybe he doesn’t care about anything, because Akiteru cries about a lot of things he cares about. He cries about not having enough sweets or being woken up too early or not getting the toys he likes from the mall. His mom says that sometimes he cries just because he can.

“You’re the big brother,” his mom scolds, “so you shouldn’t cry too much. You have to be strong for Kei, alright?”

Akiteru doesn’t know why he has to be strong for someone who doesn’t need him.

 

“You’ll meet lots of new friends today,” Mom tells Kei before giving him a smacking kiss on his cheek.

Kei’s tiny face scrunches up and he buries his face on Mom’s shoulder, rubbing his cheek on her like a cat.

“I’ll be just a few rooms away!” Akiteru adds, reaching up to pat his leg where it’s hanging from Mom’s hold. “I’ll be right there if you need me!” He might not understand his little brother, but Akiteru is determined to be the best big brother ever.

Turning towards him, Kei’s frown deepens. A baby should not make an annoyed expression like that! Little brothers should be cute!

“No,” Kei says quietly. It’s his favorite word.

“No?” Mom asks, blinking in confusion.

Kei shakes his head. “No.”

Akiteru scrunches up his nose and scowls, feeling hurt. “You don’t want my help?” It feels like his little brother is bullying him.

“Oh!” He pushes down the disappointment and tugs at Mom’s shirt as another idea comes to him. “Maybe he doesn’t want you to leave?” Akiteru doesn’t remember much about preschool but his dad talks about how much Akiteru cried for his mom back then. Kei might be different from him, but surely, he doesn’t want to be left alone either.

Kei leans away from Mom to look down better on Akiteru. “No. No. _No._ ”

Mom laughs. “Oh. You’re fine on your own, aren’t you? My brave little boy.” She kisses the top of his head and brings him down to stand on his own. “Then, I guess I’ll leave you here.”

The gates of the school are a few steps away, filled with children walking in with their parents.

“You can go with your brother,” Mom tells Kei.

Kei nods, serious, as if this is a task and he will not fail.

Akiteru grimaces. His brother is a weirdo.

 

After the morning assembly, Akiteru wanders off from his class’ line back to their room to peek at the preschool. He imagines Kei has already chosen his own corner and would not play with the other children.

What he sees inside is not what he was expecting.

There are a few children playing at a matted area, but there are three children crying their hearts out while being held by the teachers.

One of them is Kei.

Akiteru rushes inside without thought, going for his brother immediately. “Kei! What happened?!”

The teacher holding Kei looks shocked to see him. “Oh, Akiteru-kun! You should be in class!”

“What happened?” he repeats, because that’s more important. Kei’s face is red and he’s _wailing_. It’s the exact opposite of how he looked this morning. “Is he hurt? Did someone hurt Kei?!” He reaches out, and Kei miraculously reaches back with grabby hands.

The teacher puts Kei back on the ground so Akiteru could check on him and hug him. Kei latches on to Akiteru. His cries settle down immediately, turning into tiny little hiccups instead.

“He’s not hurt,” the teacher explains. “He’s just not used to the classroom. I think he misses you and your parents.”

Akiteru frowns. “Kei doesn’t,” he argues, even as Kei clings on to him.

“Mama,” Kei mutters sadly.

Oh. He might be more like Akiteru than Mom thinks.

“It’s normal to feel lost and confused on their first day,” the teacher says. “Maybe he didn’t want your Mom to worry.”

Akiteru sighs and leans back to look Kei in the eye. He ruffles his little brother’s hair and says, “You shouldn’t act so tough! I’m your big brother. That’s _my_ job.”

For a moment, Kei blinks at him without much reaction. He is still sniffling but he looks calm now.

Then, suddenly frowning, he says,

“ _No_.”

He wipes at his cheek with tiny chubby hands. He looks just like he did this morning, the slight redness of his cheeks the only proof of what happened.

“No,” he repeats, then he toddles to the bookshelf without looking back.

Akiteru can’t help but laugh. “Ah... he’s still not cute at all.” He turns to the teacher—who looks ready to laugh as well—and excuses himself.

Kei may be a weirdo, but he’s Akiteru’s little brother and he will make sure to always be there when Kei cries and needs a hug.

 

* * *

 

(x - **Eleven;**

Tadashi thinks Tsukki is the coolest and smartest person in their class, maybe even in their _whole school_. Tsukki never rises up to bait and keeps his cool in every situation, and he knows exactly what to say with the fewest words. In fact, when Tadashi first met him, Tsukki simply sneered one word at the bullies tormenting Tadashi and walked away without so much as a backwards glance.

One time, a teacher thought he was not listening and asked him to solve something on the board. Tsukki looked her dead in the eyes and gave her the most disappointed look Tadashi has ever seen before answering her question perfectly. It was amazing.

It feels like nothing will ever faze him.

 

But then they attend a Karasuno game, and Tadashi finds out how Tsukki looks like when he is overwhelmed by emotions.

For the first time in his life, Tadashi sees someone’s heart break without shedding a single tear.)

 

(இ﹏இ`｡) (இ﹏இ`｡)

 

**✓ Sixteen and a half;**

Ukai knows putting them on preparation duty is risky, given their rocky relationship, but they are both middle blockers and they need to learn to work together better. Takeda-sensei assures him this is the right call, even if it does include leaving them in a corner with _knives_.

“If one of them kills the other, that’s not on me,” he tells Takeda. It feels important to point it out now before chaos inevitably breaks out.

Takeda laughs. “They’re friends,” he says confidently. “They’ll be fine.”

He understands that. They have been a team for a year now and the players are all close in their own ways. Ukai remembers Hinata calling him during the Miyagi Freshman Camp and grousing about Tsukishima, but they ended up becoming closer after that. Now, when Hinata mentions Tsukishima, it is with an annoyed but fond air. Even Tsukishima has softened up towards everyone.

Still, Ukai stations himself beside the kitchen. Just in case.

 

The moment he hears Hinata shout “Ouch!”, Ukai immediately peeks from the doorway of the kitchen. Hinata is sucking on his finger, frowning at Tsukishima’s direction. Tsukishima, his back to the door, glances up for a second before focusing back on his task.

“Shouldn’t you be taking care of your hands?” Tsukishima says, judgement clear in his tone. “King lectured you about that, didn’t he?”

“It’s your fault!” Hinata exclaims, pointing at Tsukishima with his other hand. “You surprised me!”

Ukai doesn’t see Tsukishima’s reaction but he can guess that Tsukishima raises an unimpressed eyebrow. He does that often around his teammates. “I’m not doing anything.”

“You’re _crying_!” Hinata sounds offended by this.

“A biological reaction to chopping onions,” Tsukishima shoots back, sounding annoyed now. “Quit it.” He finally stops chopping, puts down his knife, and faces Hinata. Stepping closer, he sighs and motions for Hinata to move. “I’ll finish chopping yours. Go put a bandaid on that.”

From his vantage point, Ukai can see Tsukishima’s watery eyes and deep frown. There is something gentle, though, in the way he speaks. “What are you waiting for?” he says, pushing Hinata to the side to take his place. “The first-aid’s probably with Takeda-sensei or Yachi.”

Hinata doesn’t move. He doesn’t step back even though Tsukishima is essentially pressed to his side. “I’m fine,” he says distractedly. He is still staring up at Tsukishima with wide, dazed eyes. “I’ve never seen you cry.”

Tsukishima scoffs and bumps his side harder to put some space between them. “And you never will again.”

“Then, can I take a picture?” Hinata asks.

“I’ll chop your hand off,” Tsukishima replies immediately.

Hinata shakes his head and sighs. “It’s so rare, though,” he complains.

“Why would you need a picture?” Tsukishima asks. He pauses, then adds, “Nevermind. I don’t wanna know.”

“If I don’t have a picture, Kenma won’t believe me when I tell him,” Hinata explains anyway.

“I’m not _crying_ ,” Tsukishima says. “My eyes are releasing water to counteract the chemical irritants the onions release. It’s simple science, shrimp.”

Hinata scowls.

“Is it too complicated for you?” Tsukishima asks condescendingly. He moves away right as Hinata tries to punch his arm, walking towards the sink to wash his hands and his face.

Silence reigns as Tsukishima uses his shirt to dry his hands, and then pulls the hem to wipe at his face too. Hinata continues staring. Instead of looking angry or frustrated, his eyes are still wide with shock and his cheeks redden perhaps out of anger or embarrassment.

It takes a few seconds but Hinata breaks the quiet by clearing his throat and saying, “I’ve never seen you cry.”

Tsukishima goes back to the chopping board, ignoring that comment.

“You didn’t cry when we lost last month,” Hinata adds. “Everyone cried. Except you.”

Tsukishima shrugs. “Crying doesn’t do anything.”

Hinata narrows his eyes as if trying to understand how Tsukishima’s mind works.

“You really should put a bandaid on that,” Tsukishima reminds. “I’m almost done here.”

“It’s not bleeding anymore,” Hinata says, brandishing his finger.

“Ew.” Tsukishima grimaces and steps back.

Hinata rolls his eyes and goes over to the sink to wash his hands. “Don’t you ever feel so frustrated that you can’t do anything but cry?”

Tsukishima hums, finishing up with chopping the potatoes. He places the last ones with the pile Hinata has finished. “No,” he answers flatly.

“ _How_?”

Tsukishima turns and sighs heavily at him. “We’re done, right?”

“You’re weird,” Hinata says.

“Coming from you? I’m offended.”

Hinata kicks at him and misses. He goes to pick at the potatoes, standing flush against Tsukishima’s side again. “You’re always offended. That’s your only emotion.” He puts down the potato he was examining, seemingly satisfied with Tsukishima’s work.

“Hey, sometimes I’m annoyed,” Kei protests, and his tone is light and joking. It is a fascinating change to hear. Ukai does not know when Kei became comfortable enough to joke like this, without any of his usual mean edge.

Hinata laughs. “Yeah, that’s right. Two whole emotions.”

Tsukishima shakes his head and reaches over to take his hand, pulling it closer to peer at his finger. “You’re so dumb,” he says, with that fond tone he only ever uses when they’re alone at the side of the court. “His Majesty will be so pissed at you.”

“It’s small!” Hinata exclaims. “He won’t notice it if you don’t tell!”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“I’ll tell everyone you cried,” Hinata says. “It was seriously uncool.”

Tsukishima shrugs. “I don’t care.”

“Don’t tell Kageyama!” Hinata pulls his hand away and then grabs Tsukishima’s with both of his. “He’ll be so annoying about it!”

“It’s your fault for getting distracted,” Tsukishima sneers.

“It’s _your_ fault for distracting me!” Hinata insists. “Don’t tell him!”

Tsukishima sighs. “Fine.”

Hinata grins. “Thanks, Tsukishima!”

Tsukishima steps back and away, moving back to where the onions are. “I’ll tell Takeda-sensei we’re done. You clean up.”

Hinata pouts but agrees without complaint, knowing full well that Tsukishima has something on him.

Ukai rushes back to his table before Tsukishima could notice him.

 _Huh_ , he thinks _, they **are** friends_.

 

* * *

 

(x - **Seventeen;**

On the way to the restroom, feeling high from their win against Karasuno, Tsutomu catches sight of Tsukishima walking ahead in the same direction. His shoulders are hunched and there is something fragile in the way he carries himself. He looks like he is ready to break.

Tsutomu sees him clench his fist and walk faster.

Tsukishima did everything he could in that game, but Shiratorizawa won in the end. He did the best he could, rising up as a better blocker than anyone Tsutomu knows. He has no reason to blame himself, but Tsutomu understands that feeling of wanting to take everything back, of thinking that you should have been better for your team.

Volleyball is a team sport, but pride is individual.

Staring at those hunched shoulders, at that back exuding forced strength, Tsutomu decides to head back to his team instead.

Tsukishima deserves some space. He deserves to be vulnerable without anyone’s judgement.)

 

(இ﹏இ`｡) (இ﹏இ`｡) (இ﹏இ`｡)

 

**✓ Eighteen;**

Hitoka does not even hear the joke. She comes into the room quietly to see them sitting in a circle with their futons pulled together. She arrives right at the moment when Tadashi bursts out laughing with Tobio grinning at him. Shouyou, surprisingly, is laughing quietly, more focused on watching Kei’s reaction than anything. Kei, _unsurprisingly_ , is trying hard not to laugh. His face is red from the effort.

She has heard him laugh, but only ever to laugh _at them_ , not _with them_. She has seen him try numerous times to force down laughter instead of letting it out, because he hates giving Tobio or Shouyou the satisfaction. The only laughter he lets slip are those calculated ones that has a mean edge to it. He _chuckles_ , like a supervillain.

Shouyou pouts and pokes at Kei’s face. Two years ago, that would have made Kei step back and smack his hand away. Now, he schools his face into a blank one and lets Shouyou do as he likes. She thinks perhaps it is one of the disadvantages of having a crush on a tactile person like Shouyou. Kei is used to it by now.

Leaning close, face inches away from Kei, Shouyou says, “Kokanekowaka.”

Kei puts a hand on his mouth to stop the burst of laughter.

Hitoka has no idea why he finds that funny, but he moves away and tries to turn around to escape.

“That’s unfair!” Shouyou complains, poking his side.

Squirming away, Kei lets out a small huff. It is clear that he's on the verge of cracking.

She considers stepping in to help, but decides standing back is way more interesting. Besides, this is one of those moments in shoujo manga that almost always ends up with a romantic development. She hopes it does. It has been a frustrating year watching Kei pretend like he isn’t head-over-heels in love with their ace.

Shouyou brightens up, creeping even closer. “Are you _ticklish_?” He turns his head to look at Tadashi. “Is he ticklish?”

Tadashi shrugs. “I never tried.”

“That’s smart,” Tobio says with a nod.

“I’d like my hands intact, thanks,” Tadashi agrees.

Shouyou, clearly not listening, goes in for the kill.

“No!” Kei shouts, throwing out an arm to block him.

But Shouyou has ridiculously fast reflexes and he is able to duck under Kei’s arm and attack his sides at the same time without issue.

“Shou-” Kei does not even finish reprimanding Shouyou before he is howling, giggling heartily as he tries to squirm away. His eyes fill with tears of laughter and his cheeks grow redder.

Shouyou mercifully lets off and sits back after a few seconds, staring down at Kei in awe.

As soon as Shouyou stops, Kei sits up straight and raises both fists to defend himself from further attack. He looks just as surprised that Shouyou stopped, though.

“If you do that again…” Kei wipes at his eyes and then punches Shouyou’s arm with real force. “I’ll _kill_ you.”

“That’s surprisingly… lenient,” Tadashi mock-whispers at Tobio.

“I think he’s going soft,” Tobio says.

Hitoka _knows_ for a fact that he is definitely going soft. She cannot even joke about it. It is too embarrassing to point out.

Kei glares at the other boys. “Keep your eyes open. Better yet, don’t sleep. Or else...” He lets that hang, the unknown threat scarier than anything he could say. Hitoka is impressed.

Tadashi shudders, but Tobio scoffs. “I’m not scared of you,” he says.

Kei raises an eyebrow. “Okay,” he says. Letting it go easily makes Tobio more suspicious, which is exactly what Kei wants. It is the best way to scare him. Tobio’s narrowed eyes shows how effective it is.

Next, he turns to Shouyou. “As for you…”

“I stopped!” Shouyou says, raising both hands in surrender. “I just wanted to see!”

“See what?” Kei’s tone is glacial.

“If you were ticklish!”

Kei frowns and crosses his arms. “Why would you need to know that?”

Shouyou blinks. “Just because.” He says it with full confidence, like it makes sense.

“Are you planning on doing it _again_?” Kei asks, with a tone that implies _you’re dead if you do_.

“Nope!” Shouyou tries to look innocent, but fails miserably. Hitoka does not even know why he tries.

“Shouyou…” Kei’s voice has dropped to a chilling tone, the kind that leads to a huge fight or minor injury.

 _So much for ‘romantic development’_ , Hitoka thinks.

She clears her throat. “Does anyone need to use the bathroom? It’s free now.”

Shouyou immediately stands up and escapes. Kei stares out the open doorway long after he is gone. Without the banter, Tobio and Tadashi starts fluffing their pillows and talking in quiet tones as they prepare for sleep.

Hitoka sits beside Kei. “You know,” she says, “he really likes trying to make you react.”

Kei hums in response but doesn’t say anything. Typical.

“That feels to me like a chance,” she whispers. The other two people in the room are engrossed in a conversation, but she still makes sure to say it quietly enough that no one but Kei can hear.

“No,” he says with complete certainty. “It really doesn’t.”

“But—” Hitoka doesn’t want him to have regrets about this. If he can learn to put all of himself on the court, betting everything to win, why can’t he do the same for this? Why can’t he take this one step forward too?

“Drop it,” Kei says. It’s soft and sad, and not at all the kind of tone you expect from him. It feels like he has given up.

Before she can say anything else, Shouyou jogs into the room and closes the sliding door with a loud _thunk_.

“Scared of the dark, shrimp?” Kei asks out loud, sneer coming back as if the last minute did not happen.

Hitoka sighs in frustration as he watches the two bicker again.

 

* * *

 

(x- **Nineteen;**

Graduating from high school and going off into different colleges mean that they rarely have time to meet up as a group. Tobio and Shouyou go to the same university in Osaka after being offered scholarships by the head coach who watched their win at the nationals. Tadashi is studying to be a doctor in Miyagi. Hitoka got into a prestigious Art University in Tokyo, a mere few blocks away from where Tsukki is studying Biochemistry.

Being in three separate regions, it's almost impossible to get them all together in one place.

Tadashi sees them individually when they go back home to their families, but it takes some extensive planning to find a time when they are all free. They have their new priorities now. It’s common for high school classmates to drift off.

Still, they make an effort. After all they have been through, it feels wrong not to try.

 

 **Tobio:** We’ll come home this Saturday.

 **Tadashi:** Tsukki and Hitoka-chan will, too!

 **Tobio:** Oh.

 **Tadashi:** ??

 **Tobio:** Nothing. We’ll meet at the usual place by lunch?

 **Tadashi:** Yeah :) See you soon!

 

When Saturday comes, Tobio arrives without Shouyou, and Tadashi gets a bad feeling immediately. By the look on Hitoka’s face, she gets one too. Tsukki looks confused, raising an eyebrow in question.

“He’s…” Tobio is looking anywhere but at them. “Uh. Something came up.”

Tadashi grimaces. It’s not like Shouyou to be late and not say anything.

“Can we order, then?” Tsukki asks. “We don’t have to wait for him, do we?”

“Tsukki!” Tadashi admonishes. “We should—”

Tobio shakes his head. “I’m not sure he’s coming, actually.”

Tsukki narrows his eyes. “You could have just said that,” he says. “You’re being suspicious.”

“I’m not!” Tobio raises his voice, leaning into being offended to escape their suspicion. Tadashi can see through him. “He went somewhere and he’s not sure how much time it’ll take, so.”

“An errand?” Hitoka asks. She’s frowning, eyes narrowed the same way Tsukki’s are. “Was it that important? We rarely meet anymore.”

Tobio scowls and shrugs one shoulder. “Don’t ask me. You have his phone number. Don’t you chat everyday anyway?” He looks like he would rather do anything else than talk about this.

“Yeah,” Hitoka agrees. “But we don’t go to the same school.” She sighs sadly. “It’s not like he tells me everything.”

“He hasn’t had time to talk to us,” Tsukki adds, tone flippant despite the tightness in his expression. “You’re both busy with your team, right?”

Something like pity passes through Tobio’s expression as he averts his eyes from Tsukki’s. With increasing clarity, Tadashi suddenly understands why Tobio is being more awkward than usual.

“How _is_ your team?” Tadashi asks, hoping to change the course of this conversation.

“Yeah!” Hitoka says, with false cheer. “How’s your team?”

Tsukki sighs heavily and gives the two of them a disappointed look. “Let’s get this over and done with, okay?” he tells them. He turns towards Tobio and asks, “Is Shouyou out on a date right now?”

Tobio looks down, jaw clenching. He nods. He looks just as pained as Tadashi feels.

“Okay,” Tsukki says, blankly. “Can you all stop being weird?”

Hitoka winces. “We’re just…”

“Not helping,” Tsukki says. “I don’t care if he’s dating or anything.”

One look at his expression says otherwise.

For the second time in his life, Tadashi watches as Tsukki’s heart breaks without him shedding a single tear.

This time, though, Tsukki forces a laugh. It sounds hollow and it _hurts_ to hear that from his best friend. “I can’t believe someone would actually agree to date that shrimp,” he says.

Hitoka looks like she wants to cry, and Tobio looks angry at the world.

Tadashi watches as Tsukki tries to keep himself together. As his best friend, there’s only one thing he could do.

“Anyway,” he says, volume too loud and enthusiastic, “have I told you guys about my weird psychology professor?”

Tsukki bumps their knees together, and it feels like a _thank you_.)

 

(இ﹏இ`｡) (இ﹏இ`｡) (இ﹏இ`｡) (இ﹏இ`｡)

 

**✓ Twenty-one;**

After a relentlessly horrible month of customer service work and post-grad classes, Golden Week is exactly what Kei needs. His brother is at home with their family, so Kei will have a quiet week alone in his apartment for sure. His mother has promised to keep Akiteru there so Kei would have time alone in Tokyo.

And he really _is_ alone. His last romantic relationship ended a few months ago, with his boyfriend citing “emotional distance” as his reason for dumping Kei. It is the common reason for any of his break-ups, to be honest. No matter how long they have been together, it inevitably breaks apart because of it. Kei feels like they should have read the terms and conditions better before expecting anything from him.

As for his friends... Tadashi and Tobio are on a week-long vacation in Karuizawa, a trip they have planned for months. Hitoka will meet Kei for lunch on the last day of the week to catch up, and she wants her space as much as Kei wants his. His co-workers and university classmates are either with their families or with their significant others.

Shouyou is a wild card, but last he has heard, Shouyou has a minor injury and is being taken care of by his new girlfriend, so.

So.

No one will barge in his apartment and he can relax this whole week.

Kei will finally be able to relax.

 

Or so he thinks.

 

He is blasting ONE OK ROCK’s new single—while reading an article about dinosaurs he has bookmarked ages ago—when the doorbell rings.

He ignores it.

“Feathers, huh,” he says out loud, trying hard to ignore the incessant sound of the doorbell. “It’s probably cooler that way, actually.” He reads on, humming to himself. The ringing stops after a few more minutes.

He sighs in relief. It must have been some sort of salesperson or a kid playing a prank.

About ten minutes later, he hears the distinct noise of someone knocking on his door.

He ignores that, too.

But then—

“Kei! Ke-i! Tsukishima Kei! Tsukki!”

It’s Shouyou.

 _Shit_.

 

“What are you doing here,” Kei asks, blank enough that it doesn’t actually sound like a question.

Face scrunching up in offense, Shouyou raises his right arm—the one not in a sling—and offers a six-pack of beer. “I brought gifts!”

Kei chooses to ignore that, even though a part of him is impressed that Shouyou brought the only brand of beer he drinks. “Shouldn’t you be with your girlfriend?”

Shouyou scowls and pushes forward, forceful and reckless despite his injury. “We broke up last night,” he says. He sounds like he’s talking about the weather instead of a devastating event. “Mutually. It was new, and well…” He shrugs, toeing off his shoes and claiming his usual orange indoor slippers. “I got injured, so.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Kei says as he closes the door. “Did you annoy her too much?”

“I’m not annoying,” Shouyou gripes. He walks over to the living room and drops on the couch heavily. “ _You’re_ annoying,” he adds childishly.

“Real mature,” Kei says. Instead of following after him, Kei goes straight to his kitchen to get some snacks. Mutual or not, a break up is still hard for Shouyou. He’s the type who gives his everything in every aspect of his life, so the fallout is worse than with Kei’s breakups. “Have you eaten dinner?” he calls out.

“I’m not hungry!”

See, that’s an obvious indication that he’s not as alright as he pretends to be.

“You’re always hungry!” Kei shouts back.

Shouyou doesn’t reply, so Kei heats up some pasta he cooked this morning. While waiting for that, he puts some chips on a bowl, and whips up a quick savory dip the way Shouyou (weirdly) likes. Then, he rummages around his fridge to search for desserts.

He still has the tub of ice cream he was saving for tomorrow’s movie marathon. Ice cream is a breakup food, right? That works. He nods to himself and closes the fridge for now. He will take that out later if the need arises.

“What’s taking you so long?” Shouyou asks, walking over towards the kitchen. He stops by the doorway, blinking in surprise at what he sees. “You’re making me food?”

“I’m heating up leftovers,” Kei answers blandly.

Shouyou smiles brightly anyway. “Thanks, Kei!” He looks around. “Need any help?”

“Just put the beer in the fridge and take one for yourself,” Kei says. “Do I have to remind you that you’re injured?” He raises an eyebrow. “Besides, you’re a disaster in the kitchen.”

“It was _one time_!” Shouyou exclaims.

“You almost burnt down my apartment,” Kei says.

Shouyou scowls. “I was trying to be nice! You were sick!”

Kei waves a hand at him dismissively. “Sure, sure,” he says, even though the reminder makes something warm erupt in his chest. “Go get the beer, kitchen-disaster.”

 

While Shouyou clumsily eats his dinner one-handed, they catch up on each other’s lives. Kei talks about his work at the pharmacy and Hitoka’s latest exploits in her mom’s advertising agency. Shouyou narrates the story of how Tobio shouted at the rookie who accidentally collided against him in midair, resulting in his current injury. It was the scariest Tobio has ever been, apparently. Kei cannot even imagine.

“He didn’t quit?” Kei asks.

Shouyou shakes his head. “Nah,” he says. “Fujimoto’s sorry about it but he won’t quit just because of Tobio.”

“Tough guy.”

“Our team’s filled with tough people!” Shouyou proclaims. He pauses, thoughtful, before adding, “But our team with Karasuno is still my favorite.”

Kei raises an eyebrow. “I already fed you.”

“What?”

“You don’t need to butter me up,” Kei says. “I don’t have food left in my fridge.”

Shouyou pouts. “I was saying the truth!”

“Sure, sure,” Kei says, waving a hand dismissively. “Anyway, what’s your plan?” He squints at Shouyou. “ _Do_ you have a plan? Or did you just barge in here for no reason?”

“Hitoka said she left her Honey and Clover DVD box here,” Shouyou says, which doesn’t sound like an answer.

“Huh?”

Shouyou huffs and goes over to Kei’s shelf, humming as he searches through the titles. “I wanna marathon the anime,” he explains. “I was gonna borrow it but she said you have it.”

He remembers Tadashi borrowing it from Hitoka, then plopping on Kei’s couch to watch the whole thing one weekend. He also remembers studiously ignoring the screen in favor of reading books and making reports.

Kei vaguely knows of the premise of the show. He wonders if Shouyou wants to mope while watching a whole series about people hopelessly pining or getting their hearts broken. That does not sound healthy. There is a reason why Kei did not watch it with Tadashi, despite his best friend’s insistence. He is _not_ a masochist.

And yet. Here he is, anyway.

“Got it!” Shouyou says, grinning widely as he takes the DVD from the shelf. “Let’s watch this together!”

Kei sighs and accepts his fate.

 

Shouyou is the exact opposite of the kind of person Kei likes to watch anything with. He is loud and opinionated and moves around too much. He cannot sit still, especially now that he can only move one arm. He gasps at every single new thing. His eyes shine too much. He smiles at Kei as if saying “ _See! This is nice!”_ with only his expression.

It is overwhelming.

Kei trains his eyes on the screen instead of the other boy on the couch. It feels safer that way. Their sides are already flush together, Shouyou’s working hand slapping Kei’s knee every now and then to get his attention.

In the show, Ayumi Yamada stares longingly at the boy she’s pining for while her thoughts are revealed by a voiceover. “I wonder how I’m supposed to give up?” she asks.

 _Repress,_ Kei thinks. _Repress everything_.

At his side, Shouyou sniffs. He has been crying for a few minutes now.

Without looking down, Kei reaches for the tissue holder on the side table and passes it over.

“Thanks,” Shouyou says and squeezes Kei’s knee.

 

A few episodes in, Shouyou finishes one bottle of beer and dozes off on Kei’s shoulder. He is such a lightweight.

Kei wants to turn off the TV and go back to his room, but.

Well.

“I put my hope in that maybe I could turn his heart a little,” Ayumi says on screen.

 _That’s stupid_ , Kei thinks, even as he stays in place and lets Shouyou sleep on him.

 

He refuses to admit that he is hooked. It’s just that Takemoto kind of reminds him of Tadashi and Ayumi reminds him of Hitoka. He wants to see them succeed. He wants Takemoto to find his dream the way Tadashi slowly found his way to the medical field. He wants Ayumi to decide to move forward and prioritize herself above others the way Hitoka does now.

Without him noticing, midnight comes. He is already deep into the series.

“I don’t care how pathetic or embarrassing I look in front of everyone,” Ayumi says. “My love for him, only that, is my bittersweet treasure.”

It’s annoying how much he relates to that, how much he _admires_ her for holding on.

She is too obvious with her feelings, and she offers Mayama so many chances to hurt her, but she is true to herself. He can understand that feeling of wanting so much it physically hurts. He cannot blame her for feeling such overwhelming affection that there is no other choice but to let it out.

He wonders how freeing it feels to just let go.

He wonders if he would not be in this situation if he said something years ago.

What he feels for Shouyou is like an old wound now. It has scabbed over—healed, even—and yet there’s still a scar. A reminder. _You loved this boy with your entire heart_ , it screams. _You never gave yourself a chance, and now look where you are_.

He wants to scoff at that side of him. He wants to yell at himself.

 _Here I am_ , he thinks, _still his friend_.

Because that’s what matters in the end, isn’t it? Kei will take what he can get, and this is what it is: a lifelong friendship, a chance to stay by Shouyou’s side.

Ugh. He sounds like a fucking love song.

This is why he hates it. This is why he hates being in love.

This is why hiding is so much better.

 

“Hmmm…” Shouyou nuzzles closer to his shoulder and then freezes, immediately rousing and looking up with wide eyes. “You’re… Are you okay?”

Kei sniffs and turns away. “I’m fine. We should go sleep.”

“Were you _crying_?”

“Honey and Clover makes everyone cry,” Kei says. He has it on good authority. Tadashi’s eyes were rimmed red when Kei woke up after Tadashi finished his marathon. Kei’s pretty sure Tobio cried, too, when he was forced to watch a few episodes.

“But…” Shouyou trails off, still staring at him. “But it’s _you_. Tadashi said you don’t have functioning tear glands!”

Kei frowns. Doctors-to-be shouldn’t be spreading misinformation.

“I’ve never seen you cry,” Shouyou says. He sounds awed, scooting forward to look more closely. “Was it that sad? Honey and Clover?”

Kei shrugs.

“Are you sad? Right now?” Shouyou persists.

The DVD is still playing the episode but Kei refuses to look anywhere near Shouyou’s face. “I’m fine,” he says. “It was… an emotional episode.” He does not say _relatable_ , even though that is the first adjective he thinks of.

Shouyou rolls his eyes. “It’s okay to be sad, you know? You don’t always have to be cool.”

“Huh,” Kei says, “so you think I’m always cool.”

“That’s _not_ the point!” Shouyou still blushes to the tips of his ears like he did in high school. Kei _still_ finds it adorable.

This is familiar territory. Kei can relax and smirk and look at Shouyou without fear of revealing too much. “I’m sorry I’m _always_ cool. I can’t help it.”

Shouyou seethes, hitting him on the arm quickly. “You’re such an asshole.”

“And here I thought you came here for my excellent company.”

“You had the DVD I needed,” Shouyou grouches.

“You didn’t even watch properly,” Kei says.

Shouyou opens his mouth in indignance, leaning forward again to get right on Kei’s face, but then he frowns and sits back down. “You know how sleepy I get when I drink,” he says, instead of arguing.

Kei nods. “Because you’re a lightweight.”

“I’m an _athlete_ ,” Shouyou says. “I don’t drink much so I never built up a tolerance.”

“Sure, sure,” Kei says. “I’m sure that’s it.”

Shouyou miraculously keeps quiet for a few minutes, enough for Kei to be distracted again by the screen. When he does speak, his tone is too quiet and too serious, like he is trying to fit the mood of the late night. “Kei, if you get really sad, will you tell me?”

The use of his name takes Kei by surprise even more than the random question. Shouyou sounds too earnest—too hopeful—to dismiss with a sneer or a joke. Kei turns towards him fully and looks him in the eyes.

“What is this about?” he asks.

Shouyou looks down. It feels weird to see him back down. He _never_ backs down. “I was sad,” he says. “And the first thing I thought of doing was coming here to talk to you.”

Kei’s heart skips a beat, like he’s a love sick teenager instead of a full grown man. He wants to joke about it, to lighten the mood, to divert attention away from his feelings, but it feels disrespectful in the face of that honesty. Shouyou has always been transparent. That’s one reason why Kei fell for him.

“I’m not the right company for this,” Kei says because it’s the truth. He does not give insightful advice like Tadashi does nor does he offer a quiet shoulder to cry on like Tobio learned to do. He cannot chat about feelings the way Hitoka does.

Out of everyone they know, Kei is the worst choice. Ushijima is the most socially inept person Kei has ever met and _he_ is a better choice than Kei.

Shouyou huffs out a quiet laugh, nodding a bit in agreement. “I know,” he says softly. “But you fed me and I already feel better.”

“You’re easy to please.”

“Maybe,” Shouyou agrees. “Or maybe you’re secretly really good at this.”

Kei laughs. “Don’t tell anyone.”

Shouyou leans back on his shoulder and closes his eyes. “I really like spending time with you,” he says. “But I want you to like it, too.”

“I wouldn’t have let you in if I hated it,” Kei says. An understatement to cover the immensity of his feelings.

“I want you to _like it_ ,” Shouyou repeats. “I want to make you feel safe, too.”

A few seconds of silence reigns, before Kei hears Shouyou’s quiet snoring.

Kei sighs. “I already like you too much,” he whispers, the quiet confession spilling into the night.

 

* * *

 

 

(x **\- Twenty-two;**

People react differently to alcohol. Tadashi is a weepy drunk. Tobio is a clingy one. It’s lucky they are not here today, because having both of them in that state spells chaos.

Shouyou does not drink anymore, but Kei says he simply gets sleepy. Kei never gets drunk, which Hitoka thinks is because of his inhuman control and his extreme fear of being vulnerable around anyone. Hitoka does not like thinking about it because it makes her sad.

“Are you…” Shouyou is looking at her with wide eyes, one hand raised as if thinking of stopping her. “Are you sure you want to drink another one…?”

Hitoka is a painfully honest drunk. Tadashi calls her an ‘angry drunk’, which is false and a slander.

“I’m staying over at yours anyway,” she says. “And you’re driving.”

“But…” Shouyou frowns in concern. It’s nice. He really cares.

It would be nicer if Kei is not smirking at his side, watching all of this in amusement.

“Just because you two don’t drink, doesn’t mean I can’t!” she says, pointing at them accusingly. “Are you Higashiyama? Are you gonna control my after-work activities too? Am I being unladylike, huh?”

Kei’s smirk softens into that indulgent smile he often wears when he listens to Hitoka rant about her new misogynistic co-worker. “You can do anything you want,” he says. “But don’t blame us when you have a hangover tomorrow.”

“That’s not what good brothers say, Kei,” she whines. “You need to take care of me.”

“I’m not your brother,” Kei replies with a laugh.

“Aren’t you?” she shoots back, leaning forward aggressively.

Shouyou elbows Kei with a teasing grin. “You kind of are,” he says. “Didn’t Hitoka’s mom invite you for a family vacation last week?”

Hitoka laughs. “I thought she was matchmaking us and I was _so_ upset.”

“Yeah,” Kei says, laughing as well. “I’m glad she cleared that up.”

“She likes you a whole lot,” she says. She reaches over to pat him on the arm. “You take care of me.”

Kei looks away, a slight pink tint coloring his cheeks. “Whatever,” he says, standing up. “I’m going to the restroom.” He shuffles out of the booth and walks quickly to the restroom without waiting for their response.

“Cute,” she says. “He’s embarrassed.”

“You embarrassed him,” Shouyou corrects.

She shrugs. “He should get used to it,” she says. “He’s a good man and he’ll be complimented a lot more when people get through his fake aloofness.” She narrows her eyes and turns to Shouyou. “Do you not compliment him?”

“I do!” he says, immediately defensive. “Of course I do! But it’s not like he believes me. He makes fun of me when I tell him he’s good at cooking or he’s being nice.” He pouts.

“Does he get embarrassed though? I feel like he does.” She can imagine it clearly.

“I guess? It’s still hard to read him even now.” He sighs. “I’ve been living in Tokyo for almost a year now but he’s still…”

“And we’ve known him for, what, five or six years?” Hitoka asks. “He just doesn’t emote much.” She has never seen him break down over anything, which seems unfair because he has been with her for the majority of hers. It’s not like he doesn’t feel anything. He just closes off whenever he feels too much.

Case in point: Shouyou moving into his apartment complex and becoming his neighbor made him take extra shifts in his new job to distance himself. It’s a good thing that the three of them live close together now and can meet up more like this, but it also means Kei closes off a few times and Hitoka cannot do anything but watch.

Kei is happier when Shouyou is around, but it doesn’t take that undercurrent of hurt away from the situation. Hitoka wants to punch them both and see who would open their eyes first to the reality that they’re both pining. It has been _years_. She is so tired of this.

“I know he trusts us, but…”

“He’s…” Shouyou stares down at his plate, tapping one fry rhythmically on the edge of it. “He’s softer, and he’s better at staying? When he’s feeling stressed or it’s too much, he tells me without hiding in his apartment.” He smiles, warmth seeping into his tone. “I like it when he lets me in.”

 _God_ , Hitoka thinks, _you’re so in love_.

“You should tell him that,” she says.

Shouyou blushes. “What?! No! He’ll make fun of me.”

She chugs the last of her beer, then sighs heavily. “Shouyou,” she says, voice deadly serious. “I love you and you’re a dear friend, but Kei is my unofficial _brother_ and I want what’s best for him. So if you can make him happy, you need to do something.” She lowers her voice, hoping the gravity of the request is clear in her tone. “He doesn’t think he’s worth it, but he is.”

“He is,” Shouyou agrees, breathless like her words took him by surprise.

“Listen,” she adds, “we don’t talk about your horrible first girlfriend, but—”

“She wasn’t—”

“ _But,”_ she barrels on, because there is a reason why they don’t talk about The First Girlfriend™. “That sucked, okay? It sucked and we barely talked and you left us all hanging. We didn’t deserve that. _Kei_ didn’t deserve that. Hell, _you_ didn’t deserve that! So I need you to be better, okay? Because Kei’s doing his best.” Hitoka hits her hand on the table, feeling like that would add to her point. “He’s not wired like us but he’s doing his best.”

“I know,” he says, eyes wide in shock. She probably sounds like she is one second away from attacking him. Huh, maybe she _is_ an angry drunk. “I know that,” he repeats. “I can see he’s trying his best.”

“So _do something_ ,” she says. Leaning even closer, posture as aggressive as possible, she adds, “But if you break his heart, I’ll break _you_.”

Instead of being surprised and scared of that, he smiles brightly and nods. “I know.”

 

Hitoka ends up lying on Kei’s couch, hearing Shouyou say ‘can I talk to you for a minute?’ before she falls asleep.

 

When she wakes up, she sees Kei smiling softly at her, gratitude in his eyes.)

 

(இ﹏இ`｡) (இ﹏இ`｡) (இ﹏இ`｡) (இ﹏இ`｡) (இ﹏இ`｡)

 

**✓ Twenty-Four;**

Akiteru opens Kei’s door with his spare key, making sure to come inside and close the door quickly so that the cat cannot dart out of the room as usual. He is surprised to see two pairs of shoes still on the doorway. Barii, Kei and Shouyou’s tabby, isn’t waiting for him either.

Instead, the lights inside are still on and Akiteru can hear Barii’s loud distressed meows from the living room.

He walks towards the sound, kneeling as soon as Barii runs to him. “Hey,” he greets, scratching below the cat’s ears to calm it down. “They’re still here?”

Now that Barii isn’t making a racket, he can hear something from the bedroom. He wonders if they are just running late or if this is more serious. It took weeks of planning for the couple to get a weekend off at the same time, and Akiteru even offered to house and cat sit for them so they would not have to worry about anything.

He stands back up and goes over to the bedroom door, knocking on it and asking, “Kei? Shouyou?”

“Ah!” Shouyou says. “We’re here. Just open the door.”

What he sees when he opens it is not what he expected at all.

Barii runs inside and jumps to the bed, settling beside the lump made of blankets over a sleeping Kei. He looks tired, cheeks slightly red and brows furrowed even in sleep. His head is pillowed on Shouyou’s lap, one hand clutching Shouyou’s knee like a lifeline. He looks _vulnerable_ in a way Akiteru has barely seen since Kei was a child.

“Thanks,” Shouyou says with a small smile. “Barii wanted to come in but I, uh, can’t move, so…” He laughs quietly, brushing his hand on Kei’s hair.

“I take it the vacation is off, then?” Akiteru asks.

“Yeah,” Shouyou answers with a wince. “Something came up with Kei’s work.”

“Sucks.”

Shouyou nods. “We were really looking forward to that beach.”

“There’s always next time?”

“Yeah,” Shouyou says, looking down at Kei’s sleeping expression. “I just thought he needed that now, since…” He grimaces. “He needed it.”

Akiteru can understand. Kei’s work load has increased since he was promoted into project manager for one of their big contracts and Kei has done a great job handling it, but it still has been difficult. The bags under his eyes and the lunch cancellations with his friends have been big indications of how much toll he was taking.

“Is he okay?” he asks.

“He will be,” Shouyou assures him. When he says it with that tone, Akiteru believes him. Shouyou will always take care of Kei. “By dinner, he’ll be editing reports again and shouting at people on the phone.”

“Should I…” He awkwardly points back, wondering if he should leave them be.

Shouyou shakes his head. “You should stay for dinner,” he says. “I’ll be right there as soon as I can.”

Akiteru smiles, glancing at his brother’s sleeping form. He used to never let anyone see him like this. He locked his door whenever he was in a bad mood and pushed everyone away when they tried to ask him about his feelings.

“Take your time,” Akiteru says, then closes the door behind him.

 

When Kei finally emerges from the bedroom, he looks relaxed and comfortable, which is the complete opposite of how he has been in the past weeks. He still has bags under his eyes but his shoulders have lost the tension they have been carrying since he was promoted. He’s wearing comfortable pajamas and his hair is all over the place from sleep. He has a soft smile on his face when he opens the door.

He frowns, though, as soon as he sees Akiteru.

“Where’s Shouyou?” he asks.

“Getting dinner,” Akiteru answers. “He said something about a restaurant that doesn’t deliver? Something about a cake?”

Kei’s frown melts into a small smile, the fond one that shows how in love he is with his boyfriend. “Of course he did,” he mutters. He walks over and sits beside Akiteru on the couch. “How long have you been here?”

“Came here straight from work.”

“Sorry,” Kei says. “We should have called when we found out we couldn’t go.”

“It seemed like you had your hands full,” Akiteru says gently. “Besides, I haven’t seen you guys in a while. It’s nice to visit.”

Kei rubs a hand on his face, sighing. “Did you see—”

“Hm?”

“Nothing. I just… I wish you didn’t have to see me like this,” Kei says, staring down at his fluffy pajama pants. “I’m a mess.”

Akiteru elbows him. “I’m your brother, asshole. I deserve to see this.”

Kei elbows him back, harder.

“And you don’t even look like a mess,” Akiteru adds. “It looks to me like you have a job you’re serious about and a boyfriend willing to force you to sleep when you need it.”

“I was pathetic,” Kei says quietly, still with his head bowed. “I got so frustrated and cried all over him. It was so…” He groans, hiding his face in his hands. “Pathetic.”

Akiteru blinks. The last time he saw Kei cry was when he was in elementary when he broke his arm. _Elementary_. That is more than half their lives ago. He thinks back to how Kei looked earlier, to that vulnerable form and how Shouyou touched him like he was precious.

“He likes taking care of you,” Akiteru says.

There is silence as Kei drops his hands and looks at the table instead. Their trip itenerary is still on it, alongside a checklist in Kei’s handwriting.

“The trip was my idea,” he says, after a while. “I said I wanted to rest after the project, but I really wanted him to get a vacation too. Their loss to Team China was…”

Ah. They were trying to take care of each other.

“So that added to the frustration?”

Kei nods. “Everything’s been going wrong.”

“You know,” Akiteru says, “I don’t think he cares about that?”

“What?”

“I mean, Shouyou’s pretty simple minded, right? He looked happy enough just having you in bed sleeping on him.”

Kei narrows his eyes. “You saw that?”

Akiteru gulps and looks away. “Anyway,” he persists, “he actually does like taking care of you. And you like taking care of him, too. Being at home together wouldn’t be that bad. He’s focused on making sure you’re alright, not on the vacation.”

“...yeah, that sounds like him,” Kei says. “He probably liked it that I cried on him, too.”

“What?”

“He has this… idea that I don’t show emotions enough.”

Akiteru laughs. “He’s not _wrong_.”

“Just because I don’t cry over Amazon commercials doesn’t mean I don’t show emotions enough.”

“Those Amazon commercials are _masterpieces_ and your heart is made of ice!” Akiteru shoots back, smiling at the old argument.

“Right,” Kei deadpans. “Because crying every time they come up is better.”

“That dog just wanted to be loved!” Akiteru says, laughing.

Kei smiles, too. “I’ve seen that commercial ten times, and you cry every time, _nii-san_.”

Akiteru hits him on the arm. “Shut up.”

 

Later, as Akiteru watches Shouyou bring out a strawberry shortcake from Kei’s favorite restaurant, he feels a sense of relief settle in his gut. He is not the only one taking care of his little brother anymore. Kei has found someone that makes him feel safe enough to be vulnerable around.

Akiteru is happy to know that someone will be there for him whenever he needs a hug.

 

* * *

 

(x - **Twenty-Six;**

“How did you not cry?! His girlfriend was a ghost all along!”

Shouyou wore a betrayed expression, staring up at him with wide eyes.

Kei scoffs. “Babe,” he says, “I saw that twist coming halfway through the movie.”

“What!”

“It was _obvious_.”

Shouyou shakes his head. “It wasn’t! Everyone I know cried when they watched it!”

Kei huffs in disdain, letting that sound express exactly what he thinks about anyone who cried for that pretentious movie.

Scrunching up his nose, Shouyou says, “You don’t have a heart.”

Kei refrains from saying something cheesy like _you have my heart_. He can’t help but lean in, though, and kiss Shouyou on the forehead. “I do have a heart,” he says quietly. “I’m just too happy to be sad.”

“Ughhh,” Shouyou groans and lets his head fall on Kei’s chest. “You’re being too cool again!”

Kei laughs, loud and free, open in a way he never thought he could be.)

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are appreciated!!!!!! Let's talk about Tsukishima Kei pls.
> 
> (Check me out at [@moeblobmegane](http://moeblobmegane.tumblr.com/)♥)


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